I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
