Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
