Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize