i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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