Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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