Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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