I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
