She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
