You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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