I hate your face
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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