I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
