I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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