Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
