Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This girl is more easily done than said...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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