I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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