Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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