So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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