About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
