Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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