Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
