I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
