my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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