I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
