Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Couch. On fire.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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