No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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