No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
