Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize