i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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