he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
