she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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