Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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