I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
