Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
