She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
