Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize