I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
