Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I'm really busy with my period
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