just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
