my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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