Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
