I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
