I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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