Soap is not a condiment
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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