what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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