We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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