don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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