i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
