I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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