Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
