and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
