All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
