Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Duck Duck Cougar?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
