so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
