The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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