the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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