My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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