Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
