they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
