Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
