Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
