I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
