so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
