I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
