omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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