He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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