my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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