remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
