a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
