I wish I could teleport
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
