Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize