Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
