just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
