It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
